Parental Guidance Requested!

From a fellow worm, IRL:

"I'm a manager at the local movie multiplex.  Someone came to me to complain about some kids who were disturbing others during a movie.  I went to see what was happening, and sure enough, several tweeners were being loud, throwing popcorn, running around...you know, the usual stuff you see from kids off the leash.  So I rounded them up, refunded their ticket money, and told them to leave the building (it was nice out, so no problem).

"Their mom drove up and found them sitting on the curb, and they told her I had made them leave.  She marched in and asked me why, and when I told her, she got really mad at me and told me that her kids would never do anything like that.  And even after I explained that I had seen her children's bad behavior, she continued to defend them."

Dude, I feel ya.

I've worked retail for years, and it astonishes me how kids have become--well, not more wild, but less supervised--in stores, museums, and other public places.  And now that we are well into the Christmas season, with entire families out shopping, we clerks are up to our ears in childish misbehavior...and the grownups are often just as bad!

But before I get any parents yelling at me about how I "hate their children," allow me to clarify.  I don't hate kids.  I do get upset at kids who misbehave in public, because as a child I was taught that in a public place--and this included any homes our family would visit--you were supposed to behave like a young lady or gentleman.  I was expected to obey and respect all adults, not just Mom and Dad, and if I didn't, I'd get in trouble.  (Yes, we knew not to obey an adult if we were told to do something wrong.  We also knew to report such adults to our parents.  It was the 70's, not the Dark Ages.)

But since some folks nowadays don't seem to have a very good grasp of how either they or their kids ought to behave in public, here are some of the lessons I was taught.  Use them if you find them useful, pass them on if you think others could use them, and do feel free to get mad if you think I'm being "too mean" or "shaming" your kids.  Just remember, if you don't teach them proper public behavior now, they will grow up to be very unpleasant adults.  And society at large will not be so lenient then.

Remember, too, that children learn much of their behavior from watching you.  So be sure you're following the rules, too.

1)  No Food!

Don't let your kids bring food or drink--not even candy--into any store, even if there isn't a sign forbidding it.  I have seen preschool-age kids carrying drinks and food containers that are way too big for those little hands, and you can guess the result.  Most parents will notice their child spilling bits of food or drink and simply go on without informing store employees of the mess...and if the floater has just made his rounds through that area, other customers will have walked through and spread the mess around by the time he makes another pass.  That's just plain rude.

It's far better to just finish your food before you enter the store.  That way, there are no spills and no messy hand prints on doors, shelves, or merchandise.

There are three exceptions to this rule:

- Kids do get thirsty, so water in a kid-sized cup is okay.  That can spill, too, but it's far easier to clean up than soda or ice cream. 
- Infant formula is not only an exception, it's a necessity. 
- Food for a special-needs kid, like the fruit or candy a diabetic would need to balance his blood sugar at set times of the day, is also necessary.
 
Notice that in all these cases, the parent should be in control of the food or water, not the child.

One more thing.  When you go to a restaurant and bring in a fast-food kid's meal for the fussy son who doesn't like anything else, expect to hear from the server.  Not only is this behavior rude, it may be in violation of the restaurant's set policy.  (Note:  if you call ahead and ask, most places don't object to a birthday cake.)

If your kids are that fussy, try doing what my old college friends used to call "Build A Meal."  We would visit several restaurants and get "to go" orders of our favorite foods--burgers at one place, Thai food from another, etc--and then take them all back to our apartment or dorm and share them like a buffet.  On nice days we would go to a park.  It was a neat way to get the best of everything.

2)  Keep Your Children With You.

If I've seen it once, I've seen it a dozen times this month:  I'm on my way somewhere, and I see a school-aged kid in, say, our gift section, handling something breakable.  "Where's your mom?"  I ask, and the answer is "With my dad looking at tools"--said section being halfway across the store.

Parents, please don't allow your kids to wander around a store while you're shopping for a particular item.  It's a place of business, not a magical land of exploration.  Not only can your children get lost, they can also break things or get hurt messing around with things like nails, garden shears, and poisons like drain cleaner and mouse bait (leaks and holes happen, even if the inventory was thoroughly checked before it went out on the shelf).

And don't send your kids to the toy section "to play" while you shop;  the toys in that section are intended to stay packaged until they are bought and taken home.  It's frustrating to have a parent bring us a packaged toy with the package torn open, complaining that he doesn't want to buy this one because it's obviously been used!

Which reminds me:  never, never, never give a toddler a toy "just to occupy him" as you're pushing him around in the cart.  Two reasons:  first, if he gets it grubby from handling and soggy from chewing, it's no longer a new toy, is it?  I mean, if someone else's kid had done that, and his parents put that toy back, and then you came along...honestly, would you buy that toy for your little one?  I thought not.  So please don't do that to anyone else.  And second...to a little kid, possession is ten-tenths of the law where toys are concerned.  When you get done with your shopping, you will probably have a fight on your hands with kiddo screaming "MIIIINNE!!!"  So if you aren't intending to buy him a toy this time, don't take the chance.

Please be aware that although we expect you to keep your kids in line, we will intervene if we see your child doing any of the following:

- Climbing any sort of shelving or display (most of them aren't designed to hold human weight)
- Handling anything dangerous or breakable ("looking" is done with eyes, not hands)
- Running up and down aisles (if she runs into an elderly person, guess who gets hurt worse in a fall?)
- Entering any area not intended for customers (including warehouses, equipment sheds, workshops, and back offices--our insurance doesn't cover customers or their offspring back there!)

If you are in sight, we will tell you that this behavior is inappropriate;  but if not...please don't get mad at us for "ordering your kids around."  Trust me, if I'm warning your kid not to do something, there is a good reason, whether you understand it or not.

3)  Use Carts Properly.

There is only one safe spot for a child to sit in a shopping cart:  the fold-out seat designed for that purpose.  Hanging on the outside of the cart, lying on the shelf underneath, or sitting in the body of the cart are all unsafe methods of transporting your child around a store.  I have seen carts that were more full of kids than of merchandise...and suppose the merch gets dirty, torn or broken as the kids climb and squirm around?

Then there's the other thing I once saw.  A kid was hanging off the side of a cart; his little brother was sitting in the seat of the cart.  Big Brother's weight tipped the cart over, and cart and Little Brother landed on the kid.  Fortunately nobody got more than bruised, but as a store, we would have been liable if there had been serious injuries.  So be safe, and be smart:  if kiddo's too big for the seat, he needs to walk at your side (see Rule 2).

4)  Teach Your Kids "Politeness Words."

And be sure to use them yourself.

Shopping can be a stressful time, and I know everyone's in a hurry;  but don't forget to be polite and kind while you're out and about.  Teaching your kids to say "please,"  "thank you,"  and  "excuse me,"  when appropriate and without prompting,  goes a long way toward making everyone's experience nicer.  As an added bonus, your children will discover that politeness toward others will make their path smoother as they go on through life.  It won't solve everything (let's face it, there are some incorrigible assholes out there), but a polite person is generally welcome everywhere.

5)  Potty Time?

If kiddo's doing the "potty rumba" in the store, don't just send him to the restroom--go with him and at least wait outside.  If you know he's not able to manage in any way--clothes, getting up or down from the toilet (or aiming, if it's "number one"), using toilet paper properly, flushing, or hand washing--then you need to be in the room with him.  (If there isn't a family/unisex restroom, it is perfectly okay to to take your opposite-gender child into "your" restroom.)

Older kids should understand that "skipping steps" in the restroom--like not flushing or failing to wash their hands--is not only rude, but also unsanitary.  Washing hands is particularly important;  there are a frightening number of diseases that can be transmitted by dirty hands, like viral meningitis, Hepatitis B, staph, e. coli, and listeria.  Your kid might think he didn't get any poop on his hands while he was wiping up, but it's probably there.  Don't take the chance.

Oh, and about flushing:  I had a relative who was on a trip with his family.  They made a potty pit stop at a state rest area, and he sent his youngest daughter in on her own.  The toilet flushed, and the kid started shrieking.  When Dad went in, the little one was scared out of her wits--turns out, the toilet was one of the new ones that flush themselves!  The girl had never encountered such a thing before, and it scared her so bad that for years afterward, whenever the family was in a strange place, kiddo would insist that Daddy check out the toilet to make sure it wasn't "a scary one."

Funny story, sure...but it's one more reason to go in the restroom with your child.  And BTW, if the toilet has a handle on it, it's meant to be manually flushed!

6)  If Your Child Breaks Something, Offer To Pay.

Every parent has experienced this:  you turn your back for five seconds, and smash, your child knocks something over and breaks it.  Or tears a book page.  Or grabs a forbidden candy bar off the shelf and gets one end open and a bite taken.  Whatever the case, please don't grab your child and run.  Own the mistake and offer to pay for it, whatever it may be.

It's true that there isn't a real "Pottery Barn Rule"...at least not at Pottery Barn, or any of the big box stores.  But small mom-and-pop businesses are at a disadvantage when customers are negligent about how they treat merchandise.  Every item lost through damage or breakage is a financial loss, and over time it can affect a store's ability to keep its doors open.

Okay, I heard that:  "It was just a lousy paperback book (or knick-knack, or lollipop)!  It's no big deal!"

Sure.  Just one item.  But imagine a hundred people with that attitude, per year let's say, and multiply that times the cost of that paperback.  Even a cheap one goes for $7.99.  100 x  $7.99 is...$799.00.  That's not chump change anymore.  To this loss you can add the extra time an employee must take to mark the damaged book out of inventory, plus the cost of a new book.  Times our hypothetical 100.  Given the misbehavior I see on a daily basis, that hypothetical number is probably larger in real life!

Oh, and eating food in a store without paying for it is called theft.  The sooner your child learns this, the better.

Okay, I heard that, too:  "Well, aren't they insured?"

Depends on the store.  But even if they are...you know what happens if you have to file an insurance claim--c'mon, all together:  the premiums go up!  The higher the premiums, the less likely a small business can afford them, and therefore, the less able said business is to just blow off the loss of an item.

(Update:  A coworker who used to work for an insurance company tells me that the deductible for a store with merchandise-loss insurance is $10,000!  Definitely not chump change.)

So please do offer to pay.  And encourage your child to apologize to the store manager.  Maybe it was just an accident, but that's all the more reason to say "I'm sorry."

(A friend of mine who caught her child opening a bag in a store told her kid,  "Okay, I'm paying for it now--but when we get home, you have to pay me out of your gold dollars."  He'd been saving those gold Presidential dollar coins, and yes, Mom really did make him pay her three of them--the candy was $2.99.  It may sound harsh, but if you do something wrong, there are consequences!)

Finally...

Kids develop at different rates.  Some are easier to teach than others.  So if you've done everything you can and your children continue to misbehave in public, they may not be "ready for prime time" yet.  Consider leaving them at home when you're shopping.  If there's not another parent of relative to leave them with, consider tag-teaming with a play-date mom to take turns, with one mom watching kiddos while the other mom shops.

But whatever you do, don't just excuse the bad behavior and say  "Well, kids will be kids--they'll grow out of it."  Because they won't--not without your guidance.